We look forward to our ultrasounds with so much anticipation—at first waiting for that little heartbeat, then arms and legs, then trying to decipher which facial features are from which side of the family. And all of those things are some of the best parts of pregnancy. But prenatal ultrasounds aren’t just for determining if baby has dad’s nose or mom’s chin. They are diagnostic tools used to find or rule out congenital abnormalities and differences. This post is not intended to frighten anyone, and if your baby has not had an abnormal ultrasound, don’t upset yourself with what-ifs. For my friend with the abnormal prenatal ultrasound, YOU CAN DO THIS. You can survive the wait for the next ultrasound, for the next test, for answers, for solutions, for a plan, for whatever is next. You can do this. Here are 6 things to keep in mind while you wait:
I am not a physician or medically trained individual. I‘m a mom who has been through the trenches, hoping my experiences will help you. In no way am I intending to diagnose or treat or provide any medical advice; instead, I seek merely to offer support and experience to other mamas. Your physician or healthcare provider is always your best source for information.
1. Know When to Worry About an Abnormal Ultrasound
One of the most frequent questions I get asked as a mom of four kids, as a lawyer, and as someone who has been through it, is “Should I be worried about this?” My answer—as a mom of four kids, as a lawyer, and as someone who has been through it—is almost always “it depends.” This is even more true when there is an abnormal ultrasound. Not all abnormalities found on ultrasound are a big deal. Many things resolve on their own in utero. Not everything that differs from typical needs to be worried about. When the ultrasound is abnormal and there’s something to worry about, try as best as you can to keep the worry to a minimum.
Worry won’t change it, but it’s natural
First, I don’t believe worry is ever helpful. Worry wastes current moments by focusing on mostly unpreventable possible future outcomes. In other words, worry now won’t change the future, it’ll just waste your now. Just living in the current moment while putting plans in place for future possibilities is much more preferable to me—and yet, when it comes to my babies, I find myself in a place of worry from time to time. So don’t beat yourself up if you find worry creeping into your mind.
I think it is important to dismiss my worries whenever possible. Speaking logic and truth to worries often dispels them faster for me. Hopefully it will work for you, too. The first logical conclusion I reach on my “no-worries checklist” is whether there is even anything wrong to worry about.
You’ll know when it’s time to worry
The best way to know if you should be worried about something from your ultrasound is to ask your doctor. Your best friend, your mom, strangers on the internet are not likely specialists in the issue, and they are not going to tell you accurately whether you should be worried or not.
I know this sounds hard, but if you’ve chosen the best physician for you (see my post regarding that here), then you should be able to trust his or her advice. Just ask the doctor, “should I be worried about this?” Take that answer to heart. I asked my doctor dozens of times if I should be worried about something during my pregnancies. Most of the time, the answer was no.
Should I worry that the ultrasound only showed hair on the back of my son’s head and not the top? Does that mean he’ll have male-pattern baldness? No, it just means he’ll be born with a mullet (which he was, which later fell out and looked completely fine in a few weeks). Should I worry that my baby’s heart rate is slower than my other babies’ heart rates were? Nope, it’s still within normal range, chill out. Baby came out just fine. Should I worry that my baby’s foot looks as long as her femur? Nope, just Sasquatch babies who got their dad’s boat feet, and they become proportional later.
Remember that pregnancy makes you hyper-sensitive to any perceived thing that might freak you out, but it may not even be real (see baby mullet above). You have chosen a good doctor, so trust that good doctor.
When it was time for me to worry, my doctor told me so. It was painfully obvious. She asked me to come into her office—not an exam room. She asked me to sit down and then turned her computer screen so we could both see whatever she was about to show me. There was no question that this was different. If your doctor thinks there’s something serious going on, you’ll know. Your doctor may not do it the way mine did, but you’ll know that your ultrasound was abnormal and whether you should worry about it.
2. Know How to Find Answers
While in your doctor’s office, the minute you’re told there is an abnormal ultrasound and that it’s something worth worrying about, ask ALL the questions:
- What are the odds of this resolving on its own?
- What are the chances this will affect my baby growing up?
- Will this affect my pregnancy?
- Are there any specialists I can speak to about this?
- What is the treatment plan?
- Is this a definite thing, or should I get a second ultrasound to double-check?
- Are there any other tests we can do?
- Have you ever seen this before?
- How sure are you that [whatever they’ve found] is what is happening?
- Are you documenting a diagnosis right now?
- What concerns should I look for to signal me to call you?
- Do you have any information on this?
- Where can I go to get more information?
- Any other question you can think of at the time right now
- Can I email you with other questions as they come up, or should I start making a list to ask at our next appointment?
You’ll want to do independent research, and you’ll think of more questions. As you process with those closest to you, they’ll ask questions you didn’t even think of. Knowing some safe places to research and knowing when and how you can get future questions answered are two of my strongholds against worry. If I can write down my question and know that I will have that question answered on a specific date, it helps me release the worry because I’ve got an ending to the unknown. If I have a reliable source regarding my baby’s or my diagnosis, then I can read all the information I need to know and feel better prepared to discuss the condition with a specialist when that appointment comes.
The Internet does not know your situation
We all joke about Dr. Google. And we’ve all also put in a Google search where we list a few symptoms and get told that we either have a stomach virus or cancer. Random Google searches aren’t going to alleviate your concerns about your abnormal ultrasound. They just won’t. Neither will a post on your birth board or your Facebook group or anywhere else where random people get to give their uneducated opinions about what might or might not be going on.
This is why I ask for a reliable resource from my doctor. Your doctor should be able to find one for a specific diagnosis. If there is no specific diagnosis, then you might be better just waiting rather than googling every symptom under the sun and convincing yourself that your baby girl probably has a prostate problem, or your baby boy definitely has a uterine defect or another impossible result. No need to feed your worries with impossible possibilities.
3. Know Who Your Support Team Is
Now is the time to identify your support team. Hopefully you’ve already got one, but if you don’t, get one. These are the people who are rooting for your success, who will be there when you need to cry, to vent, to wonder why. These are the people who are good sounding boards, who offer solid advice, who offer gentle perspective. The people who take your seemingly insurmountable problems and make them feel possible because you know you’re not alone. Find them. Assemble them. Let them know what’s going on with your abnormal ultrasound. Then ask them a huge favor: to keep you accountable.
Ask them to help you not to worry until the next appointment. To encourage you, stay with you, let you process this whole thing without adding to your worries. Ask that they help validate that there is something legitimate happening right now, without confirming that it’s the end of the world. To provide some perspective when it feels overwhelming. Ask them to be your Google filter when you just can’t sleep without knowing what Google says about something—ask them to Google it and only tell you what seems most legitimate.
In our case, my husband, sisters, parents, and a couple of close friends were my support. My husband had a work obligation on the day of our ultrasound where we learned that there was an abnormality. I called him in a weird, numb state after my appointment and told him what the doctor had said. Immediately, he was 100% on board with doing whatever we needed to do to get answers and solutions.
He was also 100% on board with the idea that I didn’t want to go to a single appointment alone again for the duration of the pregnancy—and we were only 28 weeks in, about to start weekly maternal-fetal-medicine (MFM) appointments in addition to the normal OB-GYN appointments because of this abnormal ultrasound. He moved his work schedule or made sure my out-of-town parents or somebody could be with me at about 20 future appointments to be sure I never had to hear any news alone again. Find this kind of person.
4. Know That it’s Okay to Feel Your Feelings
I hate when people respond to someone’s feelings with “at least.” Hate. It. It’s okay to be sad that your baby isn’t what the textbooks consider typical. It is okay to be sad that your pregnancy isn’t going how you envisioned. It is also okay to be joyful that your baby is still healthy, even if they will be different. It’s okay to be angry or sad or happy or scared or all at the same time. You don’t have to temper any of your feelings with reminders that “at least you’re able to get pregnant,” or “at least you’ll still get to have your baby,” or anything like that. Ugh. No.
Feel what you feel. Ride the waves of grief, sorrow, joy, excitement, anticipation, worry, all of it. Let it be what it is. Those feelings are real, and if they aren’t addressed, they’ll end up a ball of frustration. That’s good for neither you nor your baby. If you feel worried, go to your support team. Explain what’s going on. Ask them to speak truth and logic to you—without “at least.” Focus on what you KNOW to be true, and let your feelings wash around that. Don’t let your feelings drive you to “what if” or “if only.” Those things are possibilities, not probabilities or concrete truths. After an abnormal ultrasound, live in the land of probability or absolutely true where feelings are also allowed.
I was angry that my baby’s body wasn’t going to be typical; guilty that somehow I must have done something to cause her difference; excited that we were getting closer to meeting her and that her dad and I were going to blaze a path to success as best as we could for her; nervous about every MFM or OB/GYN appointment that I had, waiting for another shoe to drop.
All of those things were okay to feel. And even to feel simultaneously. The key is not letting yourself get lost in the emotion, and staying grounded to the truth. The truth was that despite her difference, my baby could still live a happy and full life; I was healthy, baby girl was healthy, and we would be able to carry to full-term to avoid any other complications; we had assembled a team of medical professionals ready to help our baby however we needed, and our support team was in it with us.
None of what I was dealing with, was I dealing with alone. And my emotions weren’t going to guide my mind. The truth was.
5. Know That It Can Be Hard, But It Will Be Worth It
I’ve never known a mother who thought her baby wasn’t worth it. Never. I’ve never known any mother—whether she lost her baby prematurely, whether her baby was born with a difference, whether her baby was born typical—who ever thought “well, that wasn’t worth it.” It will be worth it. It is always worth it. Babies are just worth it. You become a mother while you’re pregnant. You start making the sacrifices and loving that baby before you ever birth that baby. Motherhood is worth it. It’s worth the sacrifices, the worry, the anger, the grief, the joys, the triumphs. It’s worth it all. When everything else gets fuzzy, hold to that. This will be worth it.
6. Know That You Aren’t Alone
For some reason, isolation seems to be the highway to hopelessness. If you’re feeling alone, reach out. Ask your doctor if there is a support group, or just another person who has been through something similar. Ask your community for help. Find a Facebook group for support regarding your diagnosis. They’re out there. You aren’t the first person to go through this kind of finding, and you’re not alone. Look up and you’ll find others who can pour their wisdom into you. I’m not a doctor, and your doctor is always your best resource, but I’m here and have walked through it to find joy on the other side. You can always email me at diapersandbriefs@gmail.com if you ever need somebody who understands.