Pregnancy itself is a mind game. Pregnancy after miscarriage is a different level mind game. I don’t think anyone who has had a miscarriage is ever the same. So pregnancy after miscarriage is necessarily different. It has gone wrong before, so every day, every symptom, every weird thing, every bad dream during the next pregnancy can be that much more terrifying. I have had three miscarriages and four children–and a miscarriage came before any of those births. I’ve been there. I get it. From experience, I can tell you that it is possible to have a joy-filled pregnancy after a miscarriage; it’s all in the way you play the mind game.
Fight fear with truth
Fear is a natural, normal emotion for any new thing. It’s okay to be nervous, normal to be apprehensive, and expected to be wary of unknowns. The thing is, though, pregnancy shouldn’t be terrifying.
I found the worst way to conquer fear was to decide not to think about the scary thing. This is the old “don’t think about a purple elephant,” thing. Once you say you can’t think about it, it’s all you think about.
Instead, I replace the fear with truth. So let’s say today I had a weird twinge when I stood up. I had a choice: (1) spend the day telling myself over and over not to worry about it being a sign of impending doom, or (2) every time my mind went to it, I reminded myself that round ligament pains are normal, and I haven’t felt that twinge again today. I would then go to a mental loop of truth that I put together to cover pretty much all situations.
My mental loop
My go-to mental loop might be a good starting point, so I share it here. It is not prescriptive in nature–I don’t mean to say that if you run my mental loop through your mind, it will definitely quiet your fears. You need a set of truths that comfort you in your situation and with your life experiences behind it. But to give you a starting point, I would remind myself of these things:
- My miscarriage(s) had no known reason, which means there is no reason for it to happen again.
- This pregnancy is different, so I have every reason to think the outcome will be different.
- The last appointment, everything looked fine.
- Nothing my mind thinks will change the outcome of this pregnancy.
- This baby’s future is out of my control (which seems like it should be scary, but it took the pressure off for me). So I don’t need to try to control the present.
- This baby is loved for however long I have it to love, and I’m going to spend the whole day today loving it without wasting a minute on fear or remote possibilities.
Control the Controllable
When we are in an anxiety-producing situation, we can choose to ruminate on all the things we can’t control–seeking ways to control it. Or we can control the controllable and free up valuable brain space for things like peace and even enjoying this pregnancy.
My miscarriages felt completely out of control. I mean, if I were given an option, I’d have controlled things and kept my babies. That feeling of no control becomes overwhelming and can make any subsequent pregnancy feel just as out of control. The thing is, though, there are a surprising number of things you can control when you really think about it. Deciding to only try to control the controllable things, and letting go of trying to control and prepare for all of the “what-ifs” completely changes the pregnancy experience.
Start listing in your mind the things you can control, and it becomes easier to see them. Just like listing things you’re grateful for, listing things you are in control of and setting boundaries to only focus on those things is so good for the soul.
Some things you can always control:
How much water you drink in a day–don’t get more headaches than you ordinarily would by being dehydrated.
What you’re wearing–you may feel like garbage, you may feel big, you may feel sweaty and disgusting, but if you’re wearing something that makes you happy–even if it’s just a pair of earrings–it goes a long way!
Whether you exercise. This one depends on your stage of pregnancy and doctor’s recommendations. But we all know that exercise is so good for us and for our baby. Sending that serotonin around only makes you and baby feel better. A quick walk can help with morning sickness. Or even just give you a sense of accomplishment that you got one thing done today. If you’re on bed rest, and your doctor says it’s okay, you can do arm-only workouts to get your heart rate up a little bit and keep those arms in shape for cooking while holding baby or lugging around that baby carrier with a 15 lb baby in it.
How often you use your at home doppler/other item to check on baby. I got a Sonoline B at home doppler for my pregnancy after miscarriage. It got out of hand quickly. Initially, I couldn’t find the heartbeat, which is normal, but sent me into a panic which would have me “just checking” multiple times per day. Once I was able to find a heartbeat myself (around 10 weeks the first time), I got neurotic about listening to it for hours per day.
Once I limited myself to 15 minutes, only after dinner (when baby was wiggling nicely), I was able to have a better perspective and less anxiety about it. Set some boundaries and hold yourself to them. With boundaries in place, it became a really sweet time where my husband would talk to the baby every night while we listened to the heartbeat and laughed as baby swished and kicked to Daddy’s voice.
What internet researching you do–Obviously, you’re researching on the internet because you have happened across this post. Please, please trust this internet stranger on this. You CANNOT research your way out of another miscarriage. You have a doctor (or midwife); take your questions to him or her. Your health provider wants you to have a healthy baby just like you do, and they want you to have a healthy mental state for the next nine months. They want to help. The internet is full of misinformation and scary stories that may or may not apply to you. Your doctor can point you to only what is really appropriate and necessary for you to know. Maybe find a buddy to do your searching and filter out the weird, scary things and pass along only what you really need to see.
Dont do it alone
You aren’t alone. Even if you’re on your own, you’re not alone. There are people around you who care about you and this pregnancy. Even if you don’t want to tell about the pregnancy yet, go ahead and surround yourself with positive people. Maybe share with them that you’re wanting to drink so much water per day and ask them to check with you during the day. Or share that you want to exercise. Or just that you’ve got a lot going on right now, and you’re super stressed. You don’t need to go into detail, but you can ask for people to come around you and be part of your life with you. Everything is easier when we know people are in it with us.
If you’re telling about the pregnancy (or showing), tell safe people your fears and concerns. You’re not inappropriate for being concerned. Safe people would love nothing more than to be with you and support you during the times that make you nervous. It makes such a difference in your day to be able to text a friend and share nerves and not be alone.
Note that I said a safe person. Not everyone is safe with fears and concerns. You’re not looking for the person who is going to jump on the fear bandwagon with you and make it all bigger and more real. You’re looking for the person who will tell you you’re not alone and speak truth into that fear. The person who will encourage you to put on that fun top or some bangles and go out to dinner. The person who will help you clean your house when it feels too much to do. A person who either naturally follows my guidelines for helping a friend going through a miscarriage or follows them after reading it. Whether that person is your spouse or someone else, know who your people are. They’ll help you get through this pregnancy after miscarriage with joy.
You can do this!
Pregnancy after miscarriage can be intimidating, but I promise it’s doable. And it can even be fun and exciting! It’s so worth it to put the time in to train your mind and surround yourself with a community to make this pregnancy a lovely memory in your mind.